Mother walked into the room just as I was about to apply her new lipstick. She was startled! I was startled! With cross eyebrows she said, “What are you doing with my lipsticks? Don’t you have any senses!”  With a hollow smile, I immediately handed it back to her. “I forgot to tell you. I am playing Draupadi* in our college production and rehearsal starts this evening. Can I borrow your lipstick? please, I really need it.” Without waiting for her response, I quickly picked her red cherry lipstick and darted off to my room. Her crossed eyebrows now raised upward. I left the place recalling the way she drew those eyebrows with kajal*. Even as a child, I always desired colourful dresses, bangles and lipsticks. I remember being so fascinated by Anaya’s water-like nail polish with tiny glitters floating like starfish that I couldn’t resist sneaking a bottle from her wardrobe and applied one coat over another. Next morning, while I was vigorously trying to remove the nail polish with a blade in the bathroom, I heard a knock on the door. “How long are you going to be inside? Come out soon.” The unexpected knock from my sister shook my hands and slit my toe leaving a crimson blood trail on the white floor.   Worried that somebody would notice the wounded toe I quickly wrapped a cloth around it and put on socks. I splashed the water on the blood and pushed it drown the drain, I stealthily came out of the bathroom. Luckily, Anaya had gone her to the other bathroom, I could hear her grumbling. One usual morning when I was busy getting ready for school, my sister came fuming to my room. “Is my glitter nail polish with you?” She asked with suppressed rage. Hurriedly getting up from the bed feeling a bit apologetic, I replied, “Sorry, Anya, I used it to paint stars for my science project. I did come to your room to inform but I couldn’t find you there.” Pointing my fingers to the ceiling I showed her the models of the stars hanging by the fan. Though a bit disappointed, she seemed convinced. She even admired me for my creative flair. “If you really need it, you can keep it,” she said. I could not believe her words, for that glitter- nail polish was her favourite. Feeling elated, I wanted to kiss and thank her profusely; however, I restrained myself. Later, as she was leaving, she paused and her eyes hovered on my feet with socks. __________________ In the college cultural production different roles were assigned to the participants of the theatre group and I was to take the role of Sakuni*. Although personally I did not approve of the character as it was totally contrary to my beliefs and values, still I took it up as a challenge.           It was the day of the final rehearsal and all of us had gathered at the auditorium. Standing in front of the mirror, I was vigorously practising my dialogues and even laughing at my own weird expressions when I suddenly heard some commotion at the rear end of the stage. Bit curious, I rushed to find the reason for that sudden uproar. Everybody seemed disturbed, there was utter confusion, the matter seemed rather serious. Soon I learnt from one of the actors that the girl who was supposed to enact the role of Draupadi had suddenly fallen ill and a substitute had to be found at the earliest. Gosh!  The cultural fest was scheduled the next week and the lead character was still not finalized! In that tense scenario, my eyes fell on the senior who had conceptualized the entire play. I could see him making frantic calls, trying to search for a replacement. All of us were aware that his efforts would go futile trying to find another actor and training her within that limited time were practically impossible. It was after a thorough audition of two months that he had selected the best actors from the college and since three months we had been rigorously practicing our roles. Moreover, he had sent invitation to parents, students and professors of other colleges too and this project was very important for him. If it was well received he would be granted a scholarship to pursue theatre at the college. Hence his reputation and dreams were at stake.  I could see him standing helplessly at the corridor with ruffled hair, knitted eyebrows and a cigarette in his hands.  We knew that he had put his heart and soul into the play. In fact he had invested his own money in costume, stage decoration and invitations. Seeing his plight and helplessness, my heart went out for him. He was very popular in the college for his creative flair and artistic acumen. I had always seen him bubbling with energy and enthusiasm but that day he seemed totally rudderless and clueless.  Mustering courage, I went near him and said, “Hey Buddy, don’t stress yourself. Maybe she will recoup on the final day. Let’s wait and see.” “No, she has met with an accident. Her ankle is fractured.” “Oh! That is bad! What do we do now? I wish I could do something to help you out.” “Thanks, that is nice of you. I don’t think anything can be done. It is very late now.”  I knew he was right; it was too late to find a replacement. Consoling him I said, “Don’t worry, perhaps we will find some solutions by tomorrow. You go home and try to relax.” I held his hands as a gesture of support, and perhaps touched by my assurance he turned and hugged me for a long time. The warmth of his hug lingered in me throughout the night, many thoughts kept hovering on my mind and that night I had a fitful sleep. Next day walking straight to him I said, “I will take up the role of Draupadi.” _________________________ As Dushasan* dragged me by my hair, a pin drop silence prevailed at the entire stage. I could notice anger in some faces, anguish in some and some were even ready to crush Dushasan to pieces if given access to the stage. While the entire audience was charged with emotions of Draupadi being hauled, I alone knew my struggle. Dushasan had been instructed to gently handle my lustrous hair but he being highly submerged into the character, oblivious of the surrounding tugged it quite roughly. I could clearly hear the Prompts say, “It’s a wig Dude, be careful.” However, engrossed in the act of towing my hair, he seemed to hear none, I was also tensed seeing his intense involvement. Although I was giving him signals through my eyes he seemed to see nothing except my hair! Therefore, to avoid unwanted embarrassment, I strongly heaved my locks from his grip and freed it from his clench. The sudden jerk seemed to have made him recall the instructions; he immediately released his clutch and never again hovered around my tresses.           The itchy long hair, the suffocating tight strap of the bra that held the round sponge balls on my chest, the tight blouse, and the ten yard long sari made me so fidgety that I almost tumbled. It was my luck that as Draupadi I could afford to fall and weep, so taking that cue I managed by making it appear as a deliberate act. Slowly rising, I rendered my dialogue, “Oh! The learned elders, what rights does Yudhisthira have to put me on stake? Does being a husband, give him the rights to put me as a bet or to dispose me off as per his whims? What about my right, my life? If he can claim his rights, then I can too! Therefore, I Draupadi, wife of Yudhisthira, announce in front of you, the learned scholars that I disown him as my husband.” No sooner had I completed rendering my dialogues, a thunderous applause reverberated the hall. I realized that they were clapping for me! It gave me even more courage. Thus with more thundering voice and intense emotions I delivered the other dialogues. After the drama ended, many members from the audience congratulated me. They enquired if I was from the same college as my identity was strictly kept secret. Some shook hands, some patted; a few young girls even kissed me and gave sincere appreciation. I was glad that I had made an impact. So, while I was being showered with praise, the senior in the attire of Sakuni came rushing and embracing me, said, “Thanks you, you saved my skin, you did it really well, you did it really well.” I was at peace, for all I wanted to see was happiness in his face, and he looked adorable in his shimmering dress. Many came and congratulated me on my performance; still in that large crowd I kept searching, my eyes constantly hovered to every nook and corner of the auditorium. Finally at a distance I traced them- widely smiling I waited for some signs of appreciation. Though far I noticed - pride in Anya’s face, helplessness in Dad’s and sheer anger and disgust in Ma’s. _______________ “What do you think you are up to?” “What happened Ma? What’s wrong?” “You have no respect for our family?” “How could you take the role of a woman?” “Didn’t you get any other decent men’s role?” I was trying to explain her the entire situation when my uncle who lived nearby entered saying, “Correct Bimala. He could have done some minor roles, not a woman’s role at least. Or did anyone force you to take up that role as you are usually soft by nature?” Then perhaps to give me assurance, he stretched his arms to tap my shoulders. But before he could touch me, as though the anger of Draupadi still lingered in me; the humiliation of being dragged still disturbed me, I pushed my uncle with all my might and he fell crushing into the chair. Blood instantly oozed out from his nose, he appeared dazed; the sudden unexpected jolt seemed to have shaken him. Ma stunned by my abrupt attack rushed to help him, and then without a thought slashed her hand right on my cheeks. I could feel my cheeks burning and tears slowly trickling down from my eyes. Ma, being dismayed by seeing the violent side of me, remarked, “What’s wrong with you? Is the ghost of Draupadi still haunting you? How could you push my brother like that?” “Had he not been your brother Ma, I would have killed him by now,” I confronted. Provoked by such violent words, Ma flared all the more. “Just because he opposed you for performing a female’s role, you are showing such arrogance!” Ma strode forward to slap me again. This time, I could not let her demean me. I held her hands and with cold shiver running all over my body I said “Ma, if you really want to know why, then listen- he molested me for nine damn long years.” ___________ I was exhausted by the entire episode of the day and was fast asleep; I felt a warm hand on my hair. Opening my eyes I saw Ma seated next to me. Even in the darkness I could see moisture in her eyes- perhaps she was withholding the tears of guilt and shame.  Gently cuddling her I said, “It’s okay Ma. It’s not your fault.” “You should have told me, I could have taken some actions.” Tears streamed out from her eyes. “I couldn’t Ma, I was scared and I didn’t want to embarrass you.” Ma then persisted that she would inform Dad and get his uncle punished, I resisted for I did not want the old wounds to be alive again. It would also bring disrepute to the members of her family and antagonise many. Moreover I had recovered from that phase of life and I did not want this experience of mine to ever destroy the family ties.           That night, to lighten the burden in my own heart, I confessed the twenty years of my subdued emotions, pain and frustrations. “Ma, whenever you used to leave me with uncle, he would dress me up with Anya’s dresses, apply lipstick, bangles and make me dance. Initially I resisted but he would coax me by buying chocolates, biscuits and ice creams and would cajole, tease and then molest. Although I sensed something amiss I could not oppose for he convinced me that, that is how we show love to the people we care. Besides that, he always showed warmth and concern; he would purchase different items for me; would console me whenever you rebuked; would buy things that you and Papa denied. I started thinking that perhaps he loved me more than you all. And to be honest Ma, there was a point in my life when even I started enjoying the feel of being fondled by him and I started longing for his touch.” There was a deep silence in Ma’s composure. I knew I could pour out the long years of suppressed thoughts and feelings and she would not judge me. I continued… “It was only in my 10th standard, the thought of protesting against my uncle’s advances struck me. I resented and threatened to inform you. He gave me various reasons to justify himself. He even warned me of dire consequences if I did not yield but I was firm. I had decided never to give in again.  Initially I thought I was at peace for having finally mustered the courage to revolt against him; however, soon I realized that this peace was only momentary. Due to long years of carnal connection with uncle, I had got used to the sensual caress and started longing for men. Thus to fill that void, I started randomly dating boys and men.” Turning toward Ma, I pleaded, “I don’t know Ma if I was born like this or many years of molestation, the suppression of emotions have changed my natural instincts and desires. I always found myself different from the other boys, every day I struggled to be normal like them yet each time I failed. Ma, please don’t distaste me, don’t treat me as a pervert. I never wanted to be what I am today and I cannot change who I am today. Please accept me as I am and help me to accept my own self.” The silence that I sensed when I had first started the confession still trailed in the room. We held each other’s hands and sat quietly. I could understand the struggle that she was going through.  After a long pause, her repressed tears slowly trickled and she wept profusely wrapping me in her arms.  I consoled her with reassuring words for I did not want her to feel that she had failed as a mother; never did I want Ma in any way to hold herself responsible for the bitter experiences of my childhood. All I wanted now was her support for the harsh and judgemental life that I would have to encounter in future. Moreover, at the back of the mind I felt, had I trusted her then and complained about uncle, I would not have had to suffer through those long years of turmoil; and now, I did not want to repeat the same mistake again. Later as she was leaving, she looked deep into my eyes and then slowly turned towards the door. Even in the dimness of the moonlight with just a faded light lingering at the window pane, I could see a face that was calm, composed and determined - a sight that I had been longing to see for a long time.   _______________          *Ma means Mother . *Draupadi  is one of the most important female characters in the Hindu epic, Mahabharata., she is the daughter of Drupada, King of Panchala. At a Swayamvara (in ancient India, it was the practice of choosing a husband, from among a list of suitors) Arjuna (a Pandava**) wins Draupadi’s hand for marriage. When Kunti, the mother is informed of Arjuna having won a prize, she ignorantly says ‘Share the prize’. The motherly command leads the five brothers to become the five husbands of Draupadi. In a game of gambling against Kauravas*** one of her husbands Yudhishthira (The eldest Pandava) bets and loses her in the gamble. Hence she becomes a slave to Kauravas and to insult the Pandavas, she is forcibly disrobed, however a miracle occurs - she prays to Krishna (a Hindu deity ) and her sari keeps getting extended. **Pandavas  are the five acknowledged sons of Pandu, the king of Hastinapur. ***Kauravas  refers to the sons of the blind king Dhritarashtra and Gandhari. *Sakuni  is the maternal uncle of Kaurava princes. * Dushasana is one of the Kaurava princes1.